An Unexpected Guest
by chloereidishere
Summary: Alternatively known as: Princess Pearl II. 2/? Perlmutter AUs. Martha brings home her new boy toy and Rick really isn't happy. This can only be defined as pure crack!fic. This hiatus is killing me.


This is for all my homies. Be chill, like me.

**An Unexpected Guest**

**Alternatively: Princess Pearl II**

_**A/N: Honestly, I have no clue what was going through my mind in the few days it took me to write this**_

Martha pranced through the front door of the loft, trailing sweet scented rose petals behind her as they fell from her hair. She had left the door open, a fact that Rick pointed out as his mother shimmied over to couch where he and Kate sat playing scrabble.

"Mother, please stop leaving the door open. We live in New York!"

She planted herself next to her son, grabbing his face and kissing both his cheeks.

"Oh Richard..."

He shot Kate a look, warning her that she didn't have much time to escape an embrace. Kate got up quickly, setting down her lettered tiles and shuffling into the kitchen to grab three glasses and a bottle of their finest.

"Make that four, Katherine!" Martha called from the other room, "Sidney is on his way up. He was paying our driver."

Kate's jaw dropped and wine flowed from the neck of the bottle she held, but not into a glass. The splash of red on the work top snapped her out of the her daze. However, at the this point Rick was already asking the important questions.

"As in pale skinned, reptilian-esque , slimy Sidney Perlmutter from the precinct?" Rick's voice squeaked towards the end of his question. His face was aghast with horror but he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Richard! Please play nice. I met him at your book signing last week."

Kate stifled her laughter with a now full glass of wine and her hand gripped the newly clean counter in an attempt to control herself. Rick held his head in his hands, mumbling to himself about moving his mother up to their home in The Hamptons.

The door creaked open and Rick's eye flicked towards the doorway and then to Kate. She faced away from the scene but he could see her shoulders shaking with laughter.

Perlmutter's voice was slick with suspicion.

"Oh, Mr Castle, Detective... Castle ... what a surprise... I didn't realise this was your boudoir too!" He called from the doorway, carrying copious amounts of bags. A sinister smirk spread across Sidney's face.

Rick's face sagged into a grimace and he pinched between his eyes as if trying to soothe a migraine.

"Mother." he grumbled into his hand. "Can we talk in the kitchen for a second?"

"Of course, darling! Sidney, just make yourself at home, take a seat and all that jazz." she sang as she danced away into the kitchen, her jazz hands jingling her bracelets as she did so.

Kate's was edging her way out of the kitchen as they entered.

"Oh no you don't. You're gonna help me out here." growled Rick, grabbing his wife by the wrist and pulling her into the conversation.

"Be quick, Richard. I don't want to keep Sidney waiting."

"Mother, you remember our wedding don't you? And how it was awkwardly interrupted..."

"Oh yes, that weird fellow who looked sour and slimy. Alexis told me his name, said she worked with him once in her time at the precin- oh! Princess Pearl I think she called him."

Kate lost it. She had given into the giggles. Seeing Perlmutter at work all the time was bad enough, she could barely contain herself whenever he and Rick were in the same room but now! He was Martha's new toy and she knew how Martha loved to show off her new toys.

"Yes! THAT WAS HIM! HE TRIED TO RUIN OUR WEDDING!"

"Oh no, dear. I think you've got him mixed up with someone else."

"Princess _Pearl, _Sidney _Perl_mutter. Are you not seeing a connection here?!"

Kate, still laughing, patted Rick on the shoulder and kissed his cheek. The squeak of frustration in his voice made it harder to take this seriously.

Scooting away from the kitchen counter, picking up her glass of wine and another, she winked at Rick in an attempt to lighten his mood but the wrinkles in his ruggedly handsome face were lined with stress. He was _not _okay.

"For you, Perlmutter." she said, raising the second glass of wine.

"Please, call me Sidney."

Sidney slithered over from the door way, setting the bags down as he did so. His pale, almost translucent, skin was glazed over with sweat. _What did she see in him? _Echoed through Sidney's, Kate's and Rick's mind simultaneously.

Rick leered at Sidney from the kitchen whilst trying to convince her he was evil and sought to destroy his world.

"Oh Richard! Save that for your books!"

"He called me defective Castle!" whined Rick, desperate for his mother to believe him.

"Am I surprised?"

Martha stormed, in a rather flamboyant manner, from the kitchen, picking up a glass of red as she did so only to find Kate and Sidney sitting opposite each other having an weird staring contest in which neither of them actually stared at each other.

"Katherine! I see you and Sidney are getting along."

Martha smiled sweetly. It was a sickly sweet and it made chills run right the way through Kate's body.

"Uh..."

"Kate, we've got reservations. Let's go." Rick's voice, laced with poison, bit through the air.

"We do?"

"We do now."

Kate was grateful for the escape from this awkward, uncomfortable scenario but she couldn't help but feel that there was something odd about his anger. She had seen it at the precinct too but only when Perly was on a case with them.

Kate scurried from the couch, leaving her untouched glass of wine behind, to the kitchen where she had dumped her keys and jacket from earlier that day. She nodded apologetically at Martha and her boy toy before following Rick out of the door.

"Why are you so mad, Rick? What he did was six months ago and I don't think he genuinely was trying to ruin the wedding... Maybe he just saw an opportuni-"

Kate was cut off by Rick's lips on hers. Kate didn't want to pull away, sparks were flashing between them, but it felt weird. Almost _forced._

"Jesus, Castle. We haven't even left the building yet. What's gotten into you?"

"Him!" Kate burst into in a fit of laughter - laughing so hard she doubled over. "No! Not like that!"

* * *

"Well that was awkward!" Sidney announced after an awkward minute of silence in Richard Castle's loft.

He rubbed his hands together and cleared off the scrabble board, his fingertips lingering on Rick's tiles. He took a deep breath before putting each piece back into the bag.

Martha stared intently at her play thing. Greasy, thinning, dark hair; pasty, limp body; eyes sunken further in than the titanic. _What on earth did I see in him? _she thought. Her brow furrowed as she struggled to scrape any reason for her acquaintance with this man.

"Who, dear?"

Martha was startled by the slime of his voice lathering her thoughts before realising she had actually been thinking aloud.

"Oh! No-one, Sidney, no-one!"

She flashed a smile and rose to pour herself another glass of wine in the kitchen and he got up to follow. Martha sighed silently, her shoulders heaving as she did so.

"So, this is the home of Richard Castle, huh? Quite the place. Where's his room?" Sidney's voice moved from playful to flat line serious.

Martha froze mid pour, her eyes locked on Perlmutter's. His eyes were dead, his face a permanent frown even when he revealed he was "just kidding". She began to see something she hadn't noticed before. It clicked when she heard him mumble "I'll check it out later" to himself.

* * *

"Oh come on, Rick. I'm sure he doesn't mean any harm. Besides, it's not like there is anything between you anyway."

Rick looked down at his feet, hoping Kate's focus on the road would distract him from the guilty look he had on his face. "I guess you're right," he mumbled, "let's just head home."

"What about our reservations?"

"We didn't have any, I made them up."

Rick sounded like a child caught in the act and Beckett couldn't help but laugh at him, like she had been doing all evening.

The drive home was excruciatingly silent as Rick moped in the passenger seat and Kate used all her strength not to burst into a fit of giggles again.

They crept through the door, suddenly realising how late it was and wondering why no-one questioned the legitimacy of their reservations considering the time. Their attempts at being quiet were futile as Martha was singing show tunes and hitting the wrong keys on their piano.

"Oh wow, I didn't know Perlmutter played." Kate mumbled to her husband before they reached the piano only to see Martha draped in several brightly colours scarves, her hands hitting the keys. This rattled the two empty wine bottles atop the piano.

"Mother! Cut that out for a second. Where's Perlmutter?"

"Oh, I sent him home, dear. He was a bit weird and I don't mean the good kind of weird. Anyway, I'm almost done, let me finish this last act." Her words tumbled from her mouth, slurred and sloppy.

Rick shrugged, his mood lightened now that his mother had finally realised what a creep Sidney was. He grabbed his wife's hand pulled her towards their room. Their rudely interrupted evening was finally back to normal.

They fell through the door, having fallen into each other's arms on the short walk, only to be stopped in their tracks.

Sidney Perlmutter was sprawled across their bed, wrapped in their duvet. His opened one eye, and cursed under his breath but still unable to move because the tension in the room had frozen them all.

Finally, Beckett fell away from her husband and Perlmutter scrambled to his feet, taking the duvet with him, still wrapped around himself.

Rick's jaw dropped, Kate's eyebrows raised and Sidney blushed a crimson red.

"Are-" Kate had to pause for a second and take a deep breath, "are you naked under there?"

"Oh heavens no! I'm wearing..." His eyes flicked towards the open underwear drawer.

_**A/N: Remember when I said I had no clue? Yeah, still the same at the end of it. Remember, I am working on a series of Perlmutter AUs, this is only the second one. Feedback and/or prompts are welcome either in the reviews or you can tweet me chloereidishere or send me an ask on tumblr (itsnotjustatvshow). Always accepting crack prompts as long as it doesn't involve incest. Because, really? ALSO THANKS SEILLEANMOR AKA JELLY BEAN FOR YOUR CONSTANT REFERENCES TO "PRINCESS PEARL" THAT HAVE NO FILTERED INTO MY WRITING**_


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